11-20-08

A father needing a fellow father to lean on at just the right time

I strongly believe in serendipity. There are times that things happen for no reason other than it was supposed to happen. Sometimes it can change your world.
A few days ago, I was picking my daughter up at day care and crossed paths with a fellow father who I often talk with briefly in passing. Normally the conversations are quick, to the point and are lacking deep purpose. Not to sound shallow, that is just how early morning conversations at day care go.
I am sure most “day care conversations” are like this. Parents in a rush to get to work give the courteous “Hello” or “How’s it going,” followed by a quick weather update and a “Well, gotta’ run!” They are as common as tater-tots and apple juice.
I don’t even know this father’s name but we talk like old buddies when we see each other. He is just a pleasant person to talk with.
Not too long ago, he and his wife had an addition to their family just as Leigh and I did. They already had a child that went to school with ours. I remember him in the mornings dropping off his kid and trying to get to work. He was stressed because his wife was still in the hospital and he was taking care of everything that he normally did and what his wife wasn’t around to do.
A lot of you women out there are probably saying, “Wimp, we do that every day plus a hundred other things and never complain.”
Yes you do, but the male species just can’t do it. We were not programed for that kind of multi-tasking. Women are like a Mac computer and men are pretty much an Atari 2600 at best. Women can multi-task without overheating and men struggle to do one thing at a time and have a hard time doing that very well.
I guess what I am saying is he was doing a great job by fellow man standards.
I saw him across the parking lot, the other day. He was strapping his children into their car seats. Raising my hand, I said, “How’s it going?” As I got closer, we began to talk. He was obviously stressed.
He began to go right into how he was worried about his oldest child’s misbehaving and was on the verge of a nervious breakdown. I could tell. I’ve been there.
I knew that lost look in his eyes. In front of me was the husk of a strong man that had been slowly beaten down by the blackjack of raising a four-year-old child. I’ve been there.
He was going on about how every time he turned around he felt like he was reprimanding his son. They were yelling and fighting all of the time. He said that there was just an overall feeling of chaos and disrespect between them. What really hit home was when he said that he just didn’t know what to do anymore and didn’t know what he was doing wrong. I could hear the ugly sound of defeat in his voice. I’ve been there, too.
I stayed and talked with him for a good twenty minutes and tried to let him know that I had and still go through the very same thing. Dealing with the verbal beating that the kids like to give out is no reflection on parenting skills. This is just what kids are programed to do and they are a streamlined supercomputer at doing it.
When we finished talking, or I should say, when the kids decided we were finished talking, I could see a slight calm had come over him. I think that just knowing that he wasn’t the only parent going through this made everything fall into a peaceful place in his world.
I didn’t give any groundbreaking advice to him, but I think at that moment in time I was supposed to be right there crossing his path and ready to listen. Sometimes that is all it takes to make a big difference in another person’s life. Just listening. I know because I’ve been there.
Bryan Pinkey can be reached at bpinkey@nccox.com.